Lying cozily cuddled in mother’s womb was me. However, it was not acceptable to the nurse who pushed me out. Now out of the womb, I felt like scolding the nurse. “Why did you disturb me? I was having such a nice time inside the womb?” I asked her in an admonishing manner.
I don’t remember an iota of information from before my first anniversary. The only thing I remember was when I was wearing a white kurta pyjamah and my friends has greeted me gleefully on my first birthday.
Soon came the second year. “Babu, your food is getting cold”, my mom uttered these words to alert me. I used to reluctantly drag myself to the dining table. When I got successful in grabbing my favorite chair at the dining table, I always thanked my mom and the farmers for having given me the good food. When the prayer got over, I frequently used to drown myself into a sumptuous song. Soon, I would start to sing it too. My mother would then shake me so that I could get out of my conch. Generally, she increased the volume of TV. But, shockingly for her, I would then immerse myself into TV and start watching anything but sensible. The food would then get hopelessly unpalatable!
Now three years old, I remember some standpoints. It was the don of the microwave era. I would buy bread, butter and a basket of bananas, and then keep those in the fridge. But, my laziness was one step ahead of the lazy folks for whom microwave was invented. I would wish the bread and butter in the fridge to get automatically toasted for sixty seconds so that I could take that out and melt it in my mouth! Well, that would never happen!
Age four it was now. Now, my mom had started putting all delicious delicacies in the fridge for me. I so much yearned for the butter in fridge to melt by itself and find its smooth way beneath the paneer vegetable, then meander towards the fenugreek and ask it to get prepared to be sprinkled over the butter-paneer combo. Seeing all this, I wished the pita bread to get excited and uncork a plate and land itself in it. “Can you please come and get seated next to me?”, the bread would then ask the paneer-butter combo vegetable. The meal would thus be ready! My task would just be to sprinkle some salt and eat it. Well, if wishes were to come true, then the salt should also have somehow found a way to cryogenate itself and find a place in that fridge. My task would have become so easy!
Age of five frightened me the most. Ship was swaying in all weird directions. I am taking you to a vacation in Madras. What was meant to be a breather soon became a blistering experience. We were sitting in a ship and sauntering in the sea. Suddenly, the ship sent a SOS signal. People who knew swimming were readying themselves to plunge in water. Others rushed for life jackets. But, I neither knew swimming nor wanted to shed my laziness to don a life jacket. No wonder I don’t even remember who rescued me!
Soon came college days. My aim was to be cross 40%. But, I was struggling to even achieve that aim. Soon came the final semester. Panic had to outsmart my laziness, and somehow I eked out 40.002% aggregate! My clearing the 40% dreaded benchmark coincided with being offered a job in a ridiculously high-paying oil-drilling company. I knew that even if I work only for 4 years there, then no need to work for the remainder of life. And then I can laze off for the rest of my life, I thought! They asked my marksheets. I could sense trouble because flunking was my trait. I xeroxed all my marksheets where I had successfully got beyond 40%, and removed the faulty ones. I stitched a successful tale of my successful courses and hid my failures. I’m still breathing safely at my oil-drilling company.
However, I still wear non-matching socks and tie only the middle lace of my shoes for this job. Who would find time for me to arrange my socks? Who will un-tie my laces when I need to put off my shoes, and then tie those back again when rushing to work?
I have grown in stature. News correspondents flock at me to give weather update for news channels. So, I tried my hand at one of them. When it came to giving weather update for the five metropolitan cities of India, I advised them to avoid me the hassle of announcing the weather update and instead read it in the next day’s newspaper!
Ala, Purel hand-wash was designed specifically for me to avoid the mess of cleaning the hands before having a meal.
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